posts on 12/21/2009 2:18:32 PM
I have lived through this very similar situation where my exhusband kidnapped my son by taking him out of daycare center when I was in school.My exhusband was Canadian, and he moved to the US with me.He was abusive, and I spent 2 weeks in a shelter with my son when he was very young.Like many abused women I went back to him thinking after he went into alcohol treatment and couseling that he had changed.He didn't and I came to terms with divorse was our only answer. I thought we came to an agreement that we would raise our son with joint custody once divorced but he went back to Montreal for a visit and planned the whole kidnapping when home. I had no idea that when I dropped my son off at the daycare that I wouldn't see him for several months until my brothers and I went up to get him back. Luckily I had an attorney that told me not to file for divorse until I had physical custody of my son because of the across borders issue. I hired a private investigator and tracked him down and I retrieved my son in a car in a parking lot while my ex's sister went in the store. It was traumatic for all of us (me,my son, and my brothers). I filed for divorse once I had physical custody of him, I lived out of my car, we moved from home to home never staying anywhere for a long time because my ex called my mother and said he was going to shoot all of us. I lived in fear many years, always looking in my rear view mirrow watching, thinking he was going to kill me. It has been over 25 years now, my son is an adult and I have always told him the truth. My exhusband contacted my father 2 years ago and asked about both of us, but my father went to his grave never telling me about the phone call. I was told by my sister that my son't biological father called and left a message. I decided it was not up to me to keep this from my son, so I told him. Prior to telling my son I contacted my ex, and we talked - I could barely understand him because he speaks French. He asked for my son't number but I told him it was up to my son if he wanted to contact him. My son now email's him, but as of yet has no desire to meet him. During one of his emails to my son he used the F work in every sentence to my son. So he still shows an abusive personality which concerns me about my son meeting him. The one good thing to come from this is my son is in contact with a half sister who also was raised by her mother for the same reason - abuse.
My son has since expressed his gratitude that I have raised him because he feels that I imparted education as a very important facet in his life. When he contacted his biological father he was told that he shouldn't be going to college after his time in the Navy, but he should use his hands to make a living. My son has almost a genious IQ.
posts on 12/13/2009 8:43:25 PM
The diference with abusive husbands that are not Muslims is that in their countries there are Laws that protect women. In Muslims that is not the case also if the father dies the children belong to the husbands family,they have the right to beat, sell, kill their women,marry them at 8,circumsize them. I lived in Iran and I saw how women are treated. Usually a man can seem to br more assimilated outside their Muslim country but when then go back they show their real values. Women are less than plants and no Laws that protect them, they just married in Gaza 450 little girls with adult men
posts on 11/27/2009 9:21:39 PM
I am in Michigan and I love to watch the show Not With Out my daughter. I really have a lot of respect for what her and her daughter went through. The man was so wrong for what he did in taking his family to a place where she did not want to be in the first place to the point that he lies to keep her there.
posts on 11/26/2009 12:24:06 AM
I am reading your book for the 27th time: everytime I become discouraged, for whatever reason, I turn to Not Without My Daughter. I have bought and given away countless copys, you, and your daughter are of endless inspiration to me, and here, on Thanksgivibg Eve, I want to thank you, for giving me, and the world, your story, your HOPE, and your resilience. GOD BLESS YOU BOTH!!!! My Love, Mars
posts on 10/22/2009 5:37:50 AM
I am Deepti from Maharashtra.
I have read your book" not without..."
That is so good and helps to encourage the ladies.
It tought me how to get self-freedom.
And how it is important to have pations.
Best of luck.
waiing for reply if possible.
posts on 10/5/2009 10:30:00 AM
this is in respond to quenby wilcox,
id like just to say once again im sorry to hear your story and i am, again, in no way deffending your ex husbands behaviour, i am however deffending my country because Spain IS a liberal and modern country, its as modern and liberal as the US or any other country in Europe, and its just not fair that just because you had a bad experience in your life with a spanish man you attack Spain this way, and no, im sorry to say your far from being close to the truth, reason why i feel so offended isnt because u might be right about spain but because i just think its unbeliavable that in 2009 someone is comparing spain to iran, irak or those kind of countries in which women have no rights at all, its just silly to be comparing a country that belongs to the EU to those countries. they have absolutely nothing in common, your comment is so long i didnt even bother to read all of it, just the first couple of sentences, and i had enough. again, if u had so many problems u should have asked for help before getting to that situation, u should have left earlier and not waited for so long, u could have taken your children and left him, go to the US embassy or wherever you could get help and just leave. for gods sake its spain we are talking about not afghanistan! also my mom is a foreign woman, shes lived in spain for 30 years now and she absolutely loves it, this is just so ridiculous, maybe u just picked the wrong man but thats got nothing at all to do with the spanish people or culture. i am not respoinding to any more of this cause its just a waste of my time, u obviously had bad experiences in spain and with some spanish people but please do not post those kind of comments on the internet cause its just sooo ridiculous, remember there are good and bad people everywhere and not all spanish people are like your ex husband or his family at all, was only bad luck your husband wasnt a nice person but there are loads of stupid american men too! good luck.
posts on 10/1/2009 12:49:01 PM
Ms. Wilcox this is my opinion as I see it take it or leave it. I googled you as you requested, and quite frankly all I see is a very bitter and angry woman. Who only wants to portray herself as a victim. Everyone seems to be "against" you Ms. Wilcox. Your husband, the laywers, the police, friends, family, and according to you many more. I was raised with the thought that everyone else can't be the problem all the time. I have seen you refer to two other Domestic Violence cases. Domestic Violence is every where. It happens to everyone. Not just Spanish women, and that is the only "domestic violence" you seem concerned with. Yes, there are certain nationalities that it is more prevailent in, but anyone can be a victim. You also compare your story to Betty's story, and quite frankly the two cannot be compared. Yes, Betty was beaten. But, that was not her only struggle. She was deceived, tricked, coerced, and flat out lied to, and truthfully kidnapped. From what I can see of your biography you went to Spain of your own free will. Yes, you were beaten but that is where the comparison ends. Betty had to try and get back to her own country all the while trying to smuggle her daughter out as well. In reading Betty's book it never seemed to me that Betty thought anyone was "against" her personally. She seemed to view it as the difference in cultures. Honestly, if I was Spanish I would be offended by the way that you speak about Spanish people and men in general. Truthfully, Ms. Wilcox if you don't like the judgements people make then you shouldn't put your "stuff" out there for all to see, read, and judge. Also, I think most people come here to post an opinion, not to argue, or have to explain their opinions over and over again.
posts on 9/30/2009 6:23:48 PM
This is in response to "me." You are so right that what happened to me could happen in any country and is. My case has very many parallels to Maria Jose Carrascosa's custody battle in New Jersey and written about by Reyes Monforte in Amor Cruel.
As to Spain being a modern liberal country. Compared to which country? I have lived amongst Spaniards for 20 years, and I always hear them telling me "Que moderno somos," but fail to hear a lot of "modern" dialogue in their rhetoric. One expression that has always offended me the most was "Callate Tonta!"
As to offending you, I am sorry, but I ask you to reflect as to why you might be so offended? Do I hit too close to the truth? Do you realize that foreign women in Spain in domestic abuse case have 1/4 of 1% chance of survival, with Spanish women at 28%, as reported by Amnesty International. And, the difference in these rates are largely due to xenophobia and discrimination within the Spanish judicial system.
As to why I stayed in my marriage for so long. I will answer. I stayed as I thought it best for my children, also he had total financial control.I was even working on a project designed not only to provide financial independence for myself, but also other expatriated women around the world and when it started getting off the ground is when he totally flipped out and threatened to kill me if I did not stop my work. That was over two years ago and the fact that the Spanish judicial system has embezzled all of my assets almost $1 million, the whole project has been put on hold. True liberation of women around the world will come thru financial independence, not a bunch of laws and declarations that none of the courts are respecting.
I suffered psychological abuse as a child and as an adult and one of the greatest allies of abusors is the attitude that victims somehow deserve the abuse, as well as social attitudes that unless you are physically beaten to a pulp then no abuse has occured. Ask any victim the physical pain and scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. Cont….
And, in answer to why I never seeked help before it got to the point it did. My answer is that I did seek help. For my entire marriage I seeked help from a myriad of useless marriage counselors, friends, family and then useless domestic violence centers in Spain. Once again read reports by Amnesty International if you really wish to find out how ineffective the Spanish govts. to domestic violence(and is reflective of all govts. responses to varying degrees)as well as social norms which encourage and perpetuate domestic abuse.
Believe me I have nothing against Spain or Spaniards, but much of the corruption in Spain (as is the case around the world) is due to citizens turning a blind eye to what is happening in their own country. I am sure you are aware of the drug/human trafficking/protection scandal in Coslada and how the police and judicial system are implicated. Well the same thing is happening in Torrejon de Ardoz and Mostoles (where my case is taking place.) Are you familiar with the widely publicized case of Mari-Luz in Mostoles, the little girl whose ex-military father was given custody of her after serving a sentence for sexually abusing his eldest daughter who eventually committed suicide by throwing herself in front of a metro after years of abuse.
As I said before, this is not just happening in Spain, it is going on everywhere and there is a direct correlation to corruption in general and domestic abuse victims being revictimized by the judicial system in cases of domestic abuse. Many are ending up in prisons, psychiatric wards, or dead. Cases abound around the world!
I am one of the lucky ones. I was not killed, or incarcerated and my abuse was "light" compared to many out there. Also, I am not someone who is intimidated or pushed around, but that still does not mean that I have not experience excruciating pain (being seperated from my children the worst.)
As I told my children the last time I saw them, if I was returning to the States it was to make sure that what had happened to us does not happen to others. And, as my sister told me several years ago "Maybe this is all for a reason." And, that is what I hang onto, that and the hope to be re-united with my children when they are adults.
To this day lawyers and the judge in my case have done everything to destroy me financially, thinking that they can destroy me and shut me up in the process, but as you might appreciate I do not "callarme" that easily, particularly if you "screw" with my kids, or any kids for that matter.
And, if what I have said has offended you again, I am sorry. But, I ask you to ask you why you are so offended? Normally what bothers and offends us the most are those things we fear may be true.
posts on 9/29/2009 5:47:46 PM
I just want you all to know that I am American born and that my marriage is nothng like this .. I have been to my husbands countrty and nothing ever happened to me and my kids .. we came and wwent as we wanted .. i do not think ALL men are like this jussst some ..
posts on 9/25/2009 10:28:53 PM
I have read with interest the many post who think that Ms. Mahmoody exaggerated her claims in "Not Without My Daughter" I dated a lovely Muslim man for a while and while I would never be able to abandon my Christian beliefs for Islam he peaked my interest in the teachings of the Koran. The teachings are actually quite beautiful with many references to extreme respect for women. But like all religions, including Christianity, it's teachings can be and are interpreted in any manner any radical group chooses to. Certainly honor killings of women are not ordained by the Koran but it is well documented that they do still occur. In Saudi Arabia women can't drive cars are owned by their husbands and if their husbands die they become the property of their oldest sons. For the most part they cannot travel out of their homes unless accompanied by a male relative. Yes, this is their culture and I wouldn't choose it, but I don't think we can deny that it happens or that Ms. Mahmoody made up her experiences for profit. I think she wrote it like she saw her experiences.
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